I never expected to think twice about my inner strength, but now I am second guessing myself. The onset of the Chikungunya Virus was horrible, beyond any pain I have ever experienced, completely humbling, and a nightmare to go through. Towards the end of the virus, I gave up and just cried and prayed for the torture to end. Yes, me, a woman who almost never cries, was crying. I am quite certain my husband would have done anything for this torture to end since he had only seen me cry maybe 4 times in our 14 years together.
My inner strength and willpower were kicked down a few notches from this experience. Then, the other symptoms started and I am slowly being kicked further down. Numbness and pain at night. Joint pain. Fatigue. Depression...
Me fatigued? This in itself is a new experience! At first the joint pain wasn't too bad. But now it is debilitating. It feels as though every bone on the bottom of my feet is broken. The tendons in my feet and wrists feel like I sprained them multiple times. My feet feel like they are very swollen. My knees sting each time I bend my knees. My fingers just hurt constantly. Bending my toes is almost completely out of the question. My elbows, shoulders and neck are sore and almost all joints pop when I move.
Waking up in the morning has now become my least favorite part of the day. I am laying in bed thinking of how much I don't want to get up. I usually don't want to get up because I like to sleep in :) But, now I actually have a reason to not want to move. I am already so stiff and sore. Just touching my feet to the floor sends waves of pain up my legs. I try to put a tiny bit of weight on my feet in increments until I can stand up. It is terrible. I am unable to stop the tears for the first 30 minutes of walking. I no longer feel like a strong woman. I am defeated. I have lost and finally something in my life has broken me. I now understand the depression symptom of this virus. Towards the end of the day I am moving a bit better or maybe I am just used to the pain at this point. This is slightly a problem because more movement causes the joint pain be much worse the next morning and it is easy to overdo it in the afternoon.
So, what am I supposed to do? What are those who get this virus supposed to do? Supposedly not everyone experiences the symptoms to this extreme, but there are still those that do. According to all the research papers I have read, pain management is so far the only option. Pain management? Pain pills are not even coming close to making this okay. Am I supposed to just be cloudy from pain meds all day? How is this living? How are we supposed to work? I am at a loss and am considering moving to the states for a while to figure out how to make this better. I have never lost a battle before... But, I think I can now say that this has almost beaten me. I only have a tiny bit of willpower left.